Chris…and the proposal
(GASP! You’re probably thinking, “Does this one propose?!”. Unfortunately, no. But my guy friend does propose (to his girlfriend), she says yes, and we go to their wedding, if that counts? PS this one is SUPER long, but he took up a bigger space in my life)
Here we go. This guy was something special. He stood at approximately 6 ft 1 (he will kill me if I undershot that)..So scratch that, and let’s say he was a solid 6 ft 2 just to be safe since height matters so much to men these days. He had a beautiful dark complexion and dreads longer than my hair (and I will say, my hair was pretty long). Side note, I never thought I was attracted to dreads, but I think he could’ve shown up with a platinum blonde mohawk and I still would’ve been into him. Something about his personality was magnetic. I hung on to every word he said. As I found out later, maybe to a fault. But regardless, he was beautiful and he laughed at my jokes. So, win-win if you ask me.
He initiated plans, asked me questions about myself, and sent me a “good morning” text every morning. My guards were down and there were no red flags to be seen. We continued to go on date, after date. I met his friends, he met mine. We would spend each week together at my place, ordering food, drinking wine and debating the “reality” of the tv shows I watch. I would always believe in their love of course, and he was a sceptic. But I considered it a win that he even cared to discuss it at all.
There was one bar that we always went to during the week. We would order a bottle of wine and claimed the same two seats at the bar every time. He deemed that as “our” seats. I had never had an “our” with anyone in the past. This of course sent my mind way too far into the future and I started planning our lives together. I heard wedding bells and started naming the kids. Just kidding. But I did start thinking that maybe there could at least be a glimmer of a future for us.
……..
Those that know me, know that anxiety is a huge part of my life. Unfortunately. For those of you that may be unfamiliar or untouched by anxiety (you have been BLESSED child), let me break it down for you. Anxiety affects people in all different ways for all different reasons. Some have triggers, and some do not. My anxiety takes over my whole body. Almost as if I am in some kind of physical withdrawal. Rapid heart rate, shivers, and nausea followed by exhaustion due to the adrenaline subsiding. I must say, the nausea has to be the worst part. It always hits me like a ton of bricks.
………
One night, Chris was over. We had gotten food, had a glass of wine, and sat down for our show. All of a sudden, it hit. Shivers, nausea, the whole nine yards. At this point, I debated; do I tell him I’m sick? Do I play it cool and try to mind-over-matter it? Do I dare to tell him about my mental health situation? I knew I wasn’t acting like myself, and I didn’t want him to think it had anything to do with him. So, I decided to be honest and explain to him about my anxiety. He was very understanding and let me lay on his chest and just try to relax. I felt so much comfort in this moment. I didn’t know if Chris would be my forever, but I knew he was what I needed in that moment.
Side note, I typically hate cuddling because my mind goes in a million directions;
-Ah I’m so boney I’m probably stabbing him with my elbow
-Where do I put my hand?
-How’s my breathing?
-Oh no, my breathing is now in sync with his. Is that weird? Hold your breath, Danielle. No wait, that’s even weirder.
-Bathroom break.
See, you guys?! Being in my head is a full-time job. I’m exhausted already just typing it.
Anywho, in that moment with Chris, I wasn’t thinking of anything except how comfortable I felt. That was new for me, and that was a feeling a wanted to hold on to.
Cue: Wedding Season. This is apparently a thing around this time of year, and my friends did not disappoint. Two of my best friends from teenage years were getting married, and all of my best guy friends from childhood were the groomsman. This was going to be a reunion and a wedding wrapped into one incredible weekend.
When I got the invitation, Chris was my first thought. Do I bring him and introduce him to my friends? Is that too heavy since we haven’t defined our relationship? Is a 10hr drive too much to ask someone else to be a part of? I had a million questions, and realized I would have zero answers without asking. So I invited Chris, and he said Yes! (with the exclamation point! All the girls reading this knows that punctuation is very important lol). His positive response made me feel as though maybe he had legit feelings for me. Surely he wouldn’t want to meet my friends and spend 20+hrs in a car with me if he hated me, right?
As the wedding approached, I started feeling like I needed to get some clarity on the status of our relationship. We would hang out every week and I had no desire to see anyone else, so I knew it was time to approach the awkward subject. I knew I was invested in him, and was just hoping he felt the same. So, I casually asked him how he wanted to be introduced to my friends at the wedding (clever, right?!). He responded and said I could say whatever I wanted because they’re my friends. Not helpful buddy. So if course, I pried a little more and asked him if he wanted to make things more official. To which he replied that he was not in a position to be in a relationship, that he hadn’t been actively looking for something else but also hadn’t been exclusive. Oh, and he added, if I wanted something serious, I should look elsewhere because he is not ready “right now”. Once again, I cling on to that. He’s not ready “right now”, but maybe he will be ready in a few weeks, months, years? Then the questions becomes; can I wait?
That conversation did not go as I had hoped. I was heartbroken. This person I had completely started falling for and investing in, was one foot out the door the whole time. I felt like an idiot. Everything I had imagined our relationship to be was shattered in a matter of seconds.
Then the next questions occurs; now that we know we aren’t on the same page, do I still let him come to the wedding? Will he still WANT to come? Honestly, I don’t know any guy that would want to spend 20 hrs in a car with a girl and go to a romantic wedding event with someone they’re not interested in. Especially knowing that the girl will most likely take the acceptance the wrong way. Of course my girlfriends told me to uninvite him because he “doesn’t deserve the honor of your company”. (Ps everyone needs some solid girlfriends in their life to remind you how great you are every now and again.. so shout out to mine). But, in my heart of hearts, I wanted him to come. I had been looking so forward to this pending weekend and wanted it to happen as planned. A small part of me hoped that the weekend would change his mind. Another small part of me hoped this weekend would give me some closure or at least some clarity. Another part of me hoped he would have an incredible time, fall in love with me, and then I’d rip the rug out from under him this time and end things the minute we got back. Take that, asshole! But regardless of how many paths my mind was taking, he still wanted to come, and I decided to still take him.
Let me just say, this was one of the best weekends I’ve ever lived. Initially, I was worried my feelings would get in the way of me enjoying myself. But, luckily, I was so wrong. We drove the 10 hrs up north, and even took a little detour so I could get a free sample of chocolate at my favorite amusement park. I’d say the 2 hour detour for a fun-size piece of chocolate was totally worth it. I’m not sure he’d agree. But hey, this article is about me.
The wedding was BEAUTIFUL. It was such an incredible feeling to witness two old friends tying the knot. It was also so comforting to be around the guys I grew up with and cared so much about. I introduced Chris to all of them, we shared stories about drunken high school nights together, and moments I will apparently never live down (Again, I am sorry about that time I couldn’t find a spoon and mixed your margarita with a marker, okay?!) Any way, it was an amazing weekend, and regardless of Chris’ lack of feelings for me, I was so happy to share it with him.
I had an amazing time that weekend, and Chris was a huge part of that. I think the wedding weekend was the best kind of closure I could’ve received. As backwards as that may sound from the outside looking in. Allow me to explain..
By the end of the weekend, Chris had seen every part of me (not in a naked way..although not entirely false ;) ). What I mean is, I had let Chris in on all my secrets; like how I have a lead foot and listen to Whitney Houston incredibly too loud, it takes me way too long to get ready, my hair looks like I got electrocuted when I wake up in the morning, I have buffet anxiety because I’m afraid the food I want will run out before I get to it, and like how I will wait an hour in line to ride a 5 min ride and get a piece of chocolate just because it’s free. He met some of my childhood friends and learned a bit about what makes me, me. I felt like there was no bases left to cover. If Chris didn’t want to be with me after all that, then I knew it wasn’t meant to be for us. And that was the case. But I felt comfort knowing there was literally nothing else I could do to change his mind.
I knew at this point, I had to end it. I had to put myself first. I told him I couldn’t continue to see him if he couldn’t give me the commitment I needed. He peacefully agreed. Did it break my heart? Yes. Was it necessary? Also, yes. Do I regret any part of this relationship? Absolutely not. As much as I liked him, and as much as I wanted to hold on to the possibility that he could change his mind, it just wasn’t enough for me. I was holding on so hard to someone who wasn’t even offering their hand.
………………….
Green Flags:
- GOREGEOUS (I’m realizing this is a green flag for everyone apparently)
- Smart
- Funny
- Great connection
- Comfortable-not afraid to be myself in every which way
Red Flags:
- Never inviting me to his place
- Not ready for a relationship
- Noncommittal
- Mixed signals (it did not help his case that his best friend assured me that “if he is coming out to meet your friends, he is really into you”.. come on now!)
He is a really good guy, and I know when he is truly ready for a relationship, he will make someone very happy. But it’s all in the timing. You can’t force someone to be ready no matter how amazing you are. They have to make that decision on their own.
Swipe Right.